Taryn Allyssa, with TWO “L’s”. I used to strongly dislike my middle name. For most of my young life, up until late high school really, I despised it. Not because I thought the name “Allyssa” was so awful but because I never understood why my parents chose to spell it with more than one “L”. Everyone spells “Alyssa” with one “L”. A simple difference; meaningless to some but to me it was imperfect. So much so, that for many years I only spelled it with just the one “L”.
Though seemingly irrelevant I’ll use the stages of the lifecycle of my favorite fruit, the pineapple, to reflect on the evolution of how I came accept that second “L” to become Taryn Allyssa online.
Step One: Planting and Rooting
Growing up, I lived a life rooted in perfectionism. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be first, better, the best. This mindset was likely cemented by the two places I spent most of my time, school and gymnastics practice. Both the classroom and the gym rewarded me for seeking perfection. I held high standards for myself, I enjoyed taking on challenges, and rising to meet the occasion. This shaped how I viewed success and ultimately, my own happiness. And from a very young age, really even before I knew what identity was, I laid seeds in the ground for who I thought I should be and worked daily to be recognized as a strong student-athlete.
Step 2: Flowering and Fruiting
Flowering
Just like the pineapple, this was the building stage. It required time and patience to receive the fruits of my labor. In hindsight, I believed that my life would be perfect if I accomplished the items from this seemingly simple list:
- be a top performer in the classroom
- be a top performer in the gym
- get into a good college
- get a good job
- meet a man and fall in love
- get married
- buy a house
- (insert the rest of the “American Dream” cliches here)
This list and my perfectionist tendencies helped me to create my identity as a student-athlete. I knew who I wanted to be and what my goals were. Sure, there were bumps along the way. But this mindset, combined with my supportive community and family, shielded me from ever really failing. This gave me confidence and deepened my ties to my identity. As I aligned myself with my list I also narrowed my views about who I was, and who I thought I could be.
Fruiting
While my strategy for perfection yields some pretty flowers, an “A” in this class, or a medal from this competition, I was never satisfied. I constantly compared myself to what others were doing or what I didn’t achieve. Striving for perfection is very tiring, even debilitating at times. So as things got more challenging, I’d shy away from anything that wasn’t a sure win.
“When you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target.“
– George Fisher
According to Psychology Today, perfectionists are quick to find fault in themselves or others. They are overly critical of mistakes and tend to procrastinate out of fear of failure. They don’t take compliments well and struggle to celebrate growth or gains.
THIS WAS SO ME!
And when college ended, so did my identity as a student-athlete. An identity I’d literally spent my entire life to build. So for the first time I had no idea what list I needed to make to construct a new identity; to build a new path for perfection.
Step 3: Harvesting
I tried my hand at coaching gymnastics, sales, marketing, heck, I even had a job with campus security. Nothing really seemed to fit. Then, after some odd jobs and soul searching I began working with young people. I had always enjoyed working with kids but never thought of myself as someone who had a knack for teaching. But through this process I discovered my passion for working with underrepresented and marginalized youth. I began to identify as an educator. And to this day I continue to build new skills so that I can become the ultimate youth developer.
Through this work I learned how important community is to me. I treasure being surrounded by like-minded people who uplift others, not just in perfection, but in purpose and love. But old habits die hard, as once again I find my identity challenged.
Step 4: Starting Again
Working with my students is more than gratifying, but for the past two years I’ve had to come to terms with my identity again. I’ve discovered a new passion, one that feels in conflict with my work as a youth developer; social media influencing. Thus far, I’ve felt pretty unsuccessful in my social media journey. I’ve struggled to connect my interests in fashion, hair, and beauty to my social justice, community based values. Lately, however, I’ve grown in my understanding of myself and who I can be. And unlike the rigid lists I’ve made in the past, I will take on this new passion with a different approach. I will not allow my perfectionism to steal an opportunity to learn, grow, and share myself with others. Hence, the first step in this journey, acceptance; acceptance of all of me, including that second “L”.
“Be a pineapple: Stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
– Katherine Gaskin
So as I start again to introduce this blog and Taryn Allyssa – the recovering perfectionist and socially conscious lifestyle influencer – I’ll take a note from the trusty pineapple once more. I will stand tall as I strive to make a positive impact. I will wear my God-given crown by holding my head high and forbidding fear to be my guide. And I will be sweet by doing all things in love and purpose.
This blog post is just the beginning. I hope you’ll come along with me!
xoxo,
Taryn Allyssa